My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize