You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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