just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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