i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
