"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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