I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
