Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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