Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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