Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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