we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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