Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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