If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
