Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
