this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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