so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
