I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
