i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dignity is for republicans.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
