Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
