i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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