eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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