mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
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Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
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I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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