I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
