Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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