I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Well I just put wine in my tea
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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