I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
