The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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