Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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