beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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