I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
