Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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