Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
