I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
