I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
