just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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