you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
