I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i think i have two assholes
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
