i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
