so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
