halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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