you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
