I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
