you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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