Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
