I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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