just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
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Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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