The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
