from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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