I wish I could teleport
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
