I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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