I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize