So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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