She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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