I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
