Rock
Scissors
Fuck
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
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Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
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My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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